Log in

Mon, Jul. 20th, 2009, 11:02 pm
right now....

In the air I flew
Through the clouds I fall
Through the country I've walked
In front of temples I've stood
Before the ocean I pray
And I said your name

In the air I flew
Through the clouds I fall
And all the things I've tried to say
Were never easy to explain
They were always meant for you

And all the memories that were made
For years and years
I've chased this day
They were always for you
Always for you

In the air I breath
Through the clouds I see
Through the cities I've walked
In the castles I dreamed
On the mountain I climb
When I call your name

In the air I flew
Through the clouds I've fell
And all the things I've tried to change
Were never easy to contain
They were always meant for you
(always for you)

And all the memories will never fade
For years and years
In my heart you'll stay
It was always for you
Always for you
Always for you

And all the pieces that remain
They will build a place for us to stay
They were always meant for you
(always for you)

And all the chances that we take
For years and years
We'll have this place
They were always for you
Always for you

Tue, Jul. 8th, 2008, 10:13 pm
next to no importance

"Forget what I said, you're only good in bed or on your knees" 

Sun, May. 22nd, 2005, 09:59 pm

Even though I already have a rough copy....and even though I have had it playing nonstop for about a month in my cd player....

ALKALINE TRIO's "Crimson" is out in 2 days...yay

Cant wait...

Tue, Apr. 12th, 2005, 10:10 pm
iTS aLL iN mY hEAD

...I called someone today for some kind of help. I needed a rock. Someone that I knew would be right were I left him. And he was the only person I could think of. What can I say? I am selfish I think and even though I think its gotten a bit better than it was, I am still completely selfish. But now I have bigger things to worry about and I don't know how to handle it all at once. What am I doing? I thought for once I was on the right track. I was convinced that I was lucky enough to have found what everyone in the entire world pretends to eventually find. This time its different..... I am left with a gift growing inside. And even though I am/was/will be/still am/confused/happy about it, I don't know if I am ready. What is the point... I love him...I love him with everything that I have. But we will continue to hit the same wall... Just like before. I cared so much about Jimmy. And as much as I tried not to...we continued to hit the same wall. What if this is it? The same thing over and over again. What makes me so special to have found the love of my life? Or am I so delusional that I would like to think thats what he is. ANd in a year or two or three I will convince myself that the love of my life is someone else. What if there is no hope...everyone and everything in the world comes to an end and there is not a damn thing we can do about it. How can I be strong enough to want to stay? Even right now....with what I thought would be something amazing...something that would bring us closer...everything that I ask is interrupted by his family. And excuse me for being selfish... If he can't stand up to them for me...at least do it for her. Yes I understand its his family...but what and where does that leave me? Or her?

Wed, Mar. 30th, 2005, 02:16 am
My cat has three legs and my ferets are living in sin.

I am sitting here waiting for my clothes to finish washing. What could I say? Noone would ever believe me if I told them wee I was in life. I giggle with excitment. Somuch going on with somuch changing. I am finally moving out. We are going to live together and I know in my heart that things are going to work out. I love him with every single part of me. This time I am not selfish and think of myself first. I think of him and whats more amazing is that he thinks of me first. We take care of eachother and what more could I ever need? Right now alot of the people around us are going through som pretty rough times. My bestfriend just lost her boyfriend of like a million years to a crack whore with a zillion kids. Where is the reasoning in that? I love him.... I love him so much. And it is amazing. We see so much in eachother...we see everything. He tells me that I make everything so much more then they used to be. He didn't do much with his ex. Me...Jimmy and I did everything. But not the way Jacob and I do things. We acually enjoy eachothers company and don't get mad at eachother or argue. I wish I could explain how great things are...I am at a loss for words... I have found my bestfriend, the love of my life...my soulmate...

"....love technology. But not as much as you you see. But I still love technology. Always and Forever. Always and Forever."

New Reggie cd is going to be awesome!!

Sun, Mar. 20th, 2005, 03:11 am
You don't think I am weird?

I have everything....and yet I still ask for more. Does it end? Is there ever enough? What else is there to give?

Wed, Feb. 23rd, 2005, 02:41 pm
I gained nothing and learned everything. I would rather forget names and faces

First and Foremost...
Sunday, Feb. 20 Hunter. S. Thompson committed suicide... We lost someone who was original in his ideas...someone who wasn't afraid to say what he truly thought...a journalist unlike any other... We truly lost something great. You have no idea what this is like for me to write and then to go back and read. I was hoping to meet him before he died.

...So here are my thoughts for this afternoon...
I am here at my computer listening to Angel Youth and as beautiful as this cd is...it makes me want to slit my wrists...heh... I am faced with wondering what it was about certain people in the past that have turned me into who and what I am now. Three years ago I was given a chance to turn and run away from the most screwed yet my first real crack at a serious relationship...whatever that means at 17...18...and 19. Right away I knew the relationship was doomed but there was something about him that made me want to help him. I miss the person I was back then...the ever optimist. I was the only person in his life that told him anything and everything was possible. He loved me because nomatter what...I was there for him. And because of that, in his mind I dance with some kind of dear perfection and innocence that noone else will ever steal away. But the damage done to me...what of that? When a person is coming down on you with all his weight...and you are not prepared...what else is there to do but break. He brought me down with with. I loved him because in my mind I thought I was finally getting through. I wasn't...I was just coming down to his level and eventually the optimism died. Or rather...it was stabbed to death. I was left with the illusion of safety...I believed in his promises...I believed in him. He was alot of things...cheater and liar were far from those things....or so I thought. I was safe. As safe as anyone in the entire world could ever be. Here was someone that was cheated on before...here was someone who had been put through so much so why would he ever want to make anyone feel that way? Here was someone that promised no matter what, he wouldn't hurt me... How could he? For so long I did everything to prove my feelings... Why wasn't that considered? Promises Promises and just like any other...his promise was broken. Now despite my bitterness I am not whining over what has happened. We are both worlds apart...living different lives just like before we met. Here is my real problem. Did I get what I deserved. For so long I was distant...thinking and dreaming about something else. What it was about Erik...I will never know. He was somuch...even when I pretended that he wasn't. I would try to get away. Not call the other store...but as much as I tried to stay away, as soon as he picked up the phone and his voice ran through my ears, I was sucked back in again... I don't know what it really was. I can't use love...but it made my brains into mush and I couldn't speak. I am far from that as well...
I find myself here...with him... and he takes my breath away. I look at him and see so much and start to get ahead of myself. I find things here and there...and I begin to wish for them because it would bring us that much closer. Its selfish but I can't help it. I tell him I love him...and I mean it with everything I have. And there was never a time before when I could look someone in the face without trying to hide something and truly tell them that I love them. Pure and simple... I watch him sleep...and know that no matter where I am....whether it be here by this computer, right there in front of him...or miles and miles from him...I will be thinking about him and noone else. I had a dream about Erik once...I watched him sleep and prayed he'd never wake up. I would have him just that way because he would be mine and never ever hurt me. With Jacob, I really do watch him sleep knowing that as soon as he wakes, he would kiss me on the nose, lips, forehead...and tell me that he loves me. And yet I still question...
I never questioned anyone like I do him. This morning I was afraid... and I expected him to be a little more sensitive about it. I left today because I would have hit you in your sleep. I have you...I love you...and yet this morning I felt so incredibly lonely even with you right next to me.

Wed, Feb. 2nd, 2005, 12:21 pm
I fooled myself into thinking I found...it doesn't exist...

...Jimmy would say we had a great relationship. Granted I always believed that it is very important to be bestfriends as well as everything else. And for so long we were just that...bestfriends. If anyone would ask him, including her, he would say I was an amazing person that was always there for him...something he could always count on. I was a fool. Ask me and I would say that the relationship was filled with so many hard times that if I were to ever try and count them all, I would die before I got to the last one. He was nuts and made me nuts and we would have killed eachother eventually. He planned for us to move to Austin and live there while he and I went to school...a "future"...school=job=house=graves...I don't remember if we ever talked about getting married or even kids. I don't think so...maybe a "gee our kid would look creepy with all that hair." But when Austin came up and the chance to start a real future came up...I ran away. Why? We had been together for so long...but never once did I look over at him and know in my heart that this was the person that I could see myself grow old with...have kids with...love for the rest of my life. He didn't deserve the two years he got let alone the rest of my life. The thought of Austin made me sick and want to run away...I never wanted to get married...have creeps...hate creeps...I never wanted any of that. All I wanted was School, great job and New Orleans. If I had to do it by myself then thats fine. But I never told him that.
I find myself in such a different place right now. I don't know where the hell I am or what I am doing. You ask so many questions and tip toe around everything and I don't know why. I do it too and I don't know why. We are supposed to be close and comfortable enough to say what we feel...and yet I can't. Maybe you can and thats how you really feel though I pray that isn't all you feel. Knowing my luck...it is. Here it is...for you...all for you... I love you and I can say that and mean it with all my heart. What do I want? Everything I never wanted and more. I see everything in you. I look at you and see me...my future...not just a fucking apartment...a fucking house.... we could live in a fucking box for all I care... I am 19 years old and trying to figure out if I am crazy or if you are what I hoped you are. My future... I used to tell Jimmy that he was crazy for thinking that there would be noone else after me... He would tell me that his grandparents were together since they were in middleschool...its possible, but very few and far between. I love you. I do...that I know. And why I see somuch in this and in you is a fucking mystery to me...What I do know is that what I see...feel...hope for...dream about...isn't what you have in mind. So again...what the fuck are we doing wasting time? I love you so much...I do...but I will be damned if I end up like my mother or your brother. I refuse to stay in a 9 year relationship that leads to nothing. Fuck that.
I used to make the light shine for you,
The sun has left my sky.
Velvet walls surround my sorrows,
I've sacrificed my pride.

Giving up on me,
You're giving up on me
Giving up on me,
You're giving up on me.

I've laid myself to sleep tonight
I know you've played out everything in your mind.

And now you throw it all away,
A shattered memory that you would stay.
Through thick and thin with me,
You're giving up on me.

Giving up on me,
You're giving up on me
Giving up on me,
You're giving up on me.

I lied myself to sleep tonight
I know, you've played out every line in your mind

And now you throw it all away
A shattered memory that you would stay
Through thick and thin with me.

And when you feel the pain,
I'm wishing I could stay.
How can I say I love you back,
You never made me happy.

You've laid yourself to sleep!
I never said this wouldn't hurt.
You gave up everything!
I never said I'd give it back.

I know! (I know!)
You'll never change!
I won't be good enough for you.
I know! (I know!)
You'll make it through,
I'll never be around to see.

And now you throw it all away
A shattered memory that you would stay
Through thick and thin with me.

You're giving up on me

Mon, Dec. 13th, 2004, 02:43 am
what?.....what the fuck?....Fuck....what am I doing?

Yeah....fuck... Ok...its one thing to be clingy... that I am not. Its one thing to me a nag...I am not that either... What the fuck? All I want to do is run away from this fucking feeling....I am not ok...no matter how much I say I am. Not anymore. At first it was a growing suspcition that my feelings were just a bit more....in a different place. Yeah...you'll see this and ask why? Don't. Just forget it. What the fuck for? You know before this one....I wasn't concerned who I hurt. I didn't care about anything... If you understood anything about me...if you could see how little things mean the world..how there are ways to different things.... how even a tiny star would mean something that only we would know...and fuck... something to remember and look back on. How something like that would mean so much...and not because I am throwing a fit...not because you made me upset because you wanted it different..."not EXACTLY" the fucking same....THAT WAS THE POINT. Comunication my ass....I'd rather run away...and fuck...I know its not the right thing to do. But its better than getting hurt or fucking disappointed. Fuck disappointment... You want me to talk to you....here it is. My fucking temper and my true feelings.... The real me wrapped up in a fucking package all for you to see. You want me to communicate when I am afraid of what you will think because of what I feel or what I am afraid you don't. Here it is...all for you. I don't expect anything but at the same time...I wanted everything. And as far as what I feel...I couldn't even say because when I try to....and I have fucking tried....god damnit I have fucking tried...you don't want to fucking hear it. What the fuck is the point to any of this...??????????? God Damnit.....in the end...because there is ALWAYS one....I am the one thats going to fucking get hurt. Because this time....this time I am the fool. And I can't control the way that I feel...So you are free to turn and run because I am counting down to see how long it takes.

Sat, Oct. 30th, 2004, 01:04 am
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

What is this for really? Honestly...what?? Edward died. Last Night....don't know how. What is it? And why do I ask questions thinking I know the answers then hear something that I don't want to? Then...get upset about it... Fuck. Honestly....what is this? What the fuck??? When we are finally ready and willing to let go and run with it........we run right smack into a fucking brick wall. There is still traces of my brains on his wall.

10 most recent