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Wed, Feb. 2nd, 2005, 12:21 pm
I fooled myself into thinking I found...it doesn't exist...

...Jimmy would say we had a great relationship. Granted I always believed that it is very important to be bestfriends as well as everything else. And for so long we were just that...bestfriends. If anyone would ask him, including her, he would say I was an amazing person that was always there for him...something he could always count on. I was a fool. Ask me and I would say that the relationship was filled with so many hard times that if I were to ever try and count them all, I would die before I got to the last one. He was nuts and made me nuts and we would have killed eachother eventually. He planned for us to move to Austin and live there while he and I went to school...a "future"...school=job=house=graves...I don't remember if we ever talked about getting married or even kids. I don't think so...maybe a "gee our kid would look creepy with all that hair." But when Austin came up and the chance to start a real future came up...I ran away. Why? We had been together for so long...but never once did I look over at him and know in my heart that this was the person that I could see myself grow old with...have kids with...love for the rest of my life. He didn't deserve the two years he got let alone the rest of my life. The thought of Austin made me sick and want to run away...I never wanted to get married...have creeps...hate creeps...I never wanted any of that. All I wanted was School, great job and New Orleans. If I had to do it by myself then thats fine. But I never told him that.
I find myself in such a different place right now. I don't know where the hell I am or what I am doing. You ask so many questions and tip toe around everything and I don't know why. I do it too and I don't know why. We are supposed to be close and comfortable enough to say what we feel...and yet I can't. Maybe you can and thats how you really feel though I pray that isn't all you feel. Knowing my luck...it is. Here it is...for you...all for you... I love you and I can say that and mean it with all my heart. What do I want? Everything I never wanted and more. I see everything in you. I look at you and see me...my future...not just a fucking apartment...a fucking house.... we could live in a fucking box for all I care... I am 19 years old and trying to figure out if I am crazy or if you are what I hoped you are. My future... I used to tell Jimmy that he was crazy for thinking that there would be noone else after me... He would tell me that his grandparents were together since they were in middleschool...its possible, but very few and far between. I love you. I do...that I know. And why I see somuch in this and in you is a fucking mystery to me...What I do know is that what I see...feel...hope for...dream about...isn't what you have in mind. So again...what the fuck are we doing wasting time? I love you so much...I do...but I will be damned if I end up like my mother or your brother. I refuse to stay in a 9 year relationship that leads to nothing. Fuck that.
I used to make the light shine for you,
The sun has left my sky.
Velvet walls surround my sorrows,
I've sacrificed my pride.

Giving up on me,
You're giving up on me
Giving up on me,
You're giving up on me.

I've laid myself to sleep tonight
I know you've played out everything in your mind.

And now you throw it all away,
A shattered memory that you would stay.
Through thick and thin with me,
You're giving up on me.

Giving up on me,
You're giving up on me
Giving up on me,
You're giving up on me.

I lied myself to sleep tonight
I know, you've played out every line in your mind

And now you throw it all away
A shattered memory that you would stay
Through thick and thin with me.

And when you feel the pain,
I'm wishing I could stay.
How can I say I love you back,
You never made me happy.

You've laid yourself to sleep!
I never said this wouldn't hurt.
You gave up everything!
I never said I'd give it back.

I know! (I know!)
You'll never change!
I won't be good enough for you.
I know! (I know!)
You'll make it through,
I'll never be around to see.

And now you throw it all away
A shattered memory that you would stay
Through thick and thin with me.

You're giving up on me