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Wed, Feb. 23rd, 2005, 02:41 pm
I gained nothing and learned everything. I would rather forget names and faces

First and Foremost...
Sunday, Feb. 20 Hunter. S. Thompson committed suicide... We lost someone who was original in his ideas...someone who wasn't afraid to say what he truly thought...a journalist unlike any other... We truly lost something great. You have no idea what this is like for me to write and then to go back and read. I was hoping to meet him before he died.

...So here are my thoughts for this afternoon...
I am here at my computer listening to Angel Youth and as beautiful as this cd is...it makes me want to slit my wrists...heh... I am faced with wondering what it was about certain people in the past that have turned me into who and what I am now. Three years ago I was given a chance to turn and run away from the most screwed yet my first real crack at a serious relationship...whatever that means at 17...18...and 19. Right away I knew the relationship was doomed but there was something about him that made me want to help him. I miss the person I was back then...the ever optimist. I was the only person in his life that told him anything and everything was possible. He loved me because nomatter what...I was there for him. And because of that, in his mind I dance with some kind of dear perfection and innocence that noone else will ever steal away. But the damage done to me...what of that? When a person is coming down on you with all his weight...and you are not prepared...what else is there to do but break. He brought me down with with. I loved him because in my mind I thought I was finally getting through. I wasn't...I was just coming down to his level and eventually the optimism died. Or rather...it was stabbed to death. I was left with the illusion of safety...I believed in his promises...I believed in him. He was alot of things...cheater and liar were far from those things....or so I thought. I was safe. As safe as anyone in the entire world could ever be. Here was someone that was cheated on before...here was someone who had been put through so much so why would he ever want to make anyone feel that way? Here was someone that promised no matter what, he wouldn't hurt me... How could he? For so long I did everything to prove my feelings... Why wasn't that considered? Promises Promises and just like any other...his promise was broken. Now despite my bitterness I am not whining over what has happened. We are both worlds apart...living different lives just like before we met. Here is my real problem. Did I get what I deserved. For so long I was distant...thinking and dreaming about something else. What it was about Erik...I will never know. He was somuch...even when I pretended that he wasn't. I would try to get away. Not call the other store...but as much as I tried to stay away, as soon as he picked up the phone and his voice ran through my ears, I was sucked back in again... I don't know what it really was. I can't use love...but it made my brains into mush and I couldn't speak. I am far from that as well...
I find myself here...with him... and he takes my breath away. I look at him and see so much and start to get ahead of myself. I find things here and there...and I begin to wish for them because it would bring us that much closer. Its selfish but I can't help it. I tell him I love him...and I mean it with everything I have. And there was never a time before when I could look someone in the face without trying to hide something and truly tell them that I love them. Pure and simple... I watch him sleep...and know that no matter where I am....whether it be here by this computer, right there in front of him...or miles and miles from him...I will be thinking about him and noone else. I had a dream about Erik once...I watched him sleep and prayed he'd never wake up. I would have him just that way because he would be mine and never ever hurt me. With Jacob, I really do watch him sleep knowing that as soon as he wakes, he would kiss me on the nose, lips, forehead...and tell me that he loves me. And yet I still question...
I never questioned anyone like I do him. This morning I was afraid... and I expected him to be a little more sensitive about it. I left today because I would have hit you in your sleep. I have you...I love you...and yet this morning I felt so incredibly lonely even with you right next to me.