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Tue, Apr. 12th, 2005, 10:10 pm
iTS aLL iN mY hEAD

...I called someone today for some kind of help. I needed a rock. Someone that I knew would be right were I left him. And he was the only person I could think of. What can I say? I am selfish I think and even though I think its gotten a bit better than it was, I am still completely selfish. But now I have bigger things to worry about and I don't know how to handle it all at once. What am I doing? I thought for once I was on the right track. I was convinced that I was lucky enough to have found what everyone in the entire world pretends to eventually find. This time its different..... I am left with a gift growing inside. And even though I am/was/will be/still am/confused/happy about it, I don't know if I am ready. What is the point... I love him...I love him with everything that I have. But we will continue to hit the same wall... Just like before. I cared so much about Jimmy. And as much as I tried not to...we continued to hit the same wall. What if this is it? The same thing over and over again. What makes me so special to have found the love of my life? Or am I so delusional that I would like to think thats what he is. ANd in a year or two or three I will convince myself that the love of my life is someone else. What if there is no hope...everyone and everything in the world comes to an end and there is not a damn thing we can do about it. How can I be strong enough to want to stay? Even right now....with what I thought would be something amazing...something that would bring us closer...everything that I ask is interrupted by his family. And excuse me for being selfish... If he can't stand up to them for me...at least do it for her. Yes I understand its his family...but what and where does that leave me? Or her?