Thu, Oct. 28th, 2004, 01:23 am
What The Fuck??
Ok so something is really wrong with me...and its driving me crazy. This whole fucking time I have been looking for something wrong with him and today I think I realized that its me...I am the freak. Am I that fucked up to think that this isn't really what I think it is? And if so...at what point did this happen?? Yeah...(he) lied and lied and lied again and again...but at what point had my trust in not just him but everyone come down to a growing suspition that they are out to get me... Bricks falling on my head one at a time and all I have is this wacky umbrella to protect myself with. Its hot pink with green dots. I feel...I don't know what I feel. Why cant I just let all that shit go? Yeah I am still waiting for something to go wrong. Things have been going wrong for 6 months straight so excuse me if I am used to things being screwy. And I find myself doing things without thinking. Saying stupid things and wanting to kick my own ass because I hear it...know its fucking ridiculous...and yet...can't stop myself from saying it. I hate cellphones... I care so much but still find myself at a distance... I don't know where to begin to trust. Relationships go bad everyday...that I know. Had I stayed with (him) who the hell knows what bad things would have happened. I say everything happens for a reason. I never even thought of staying with (him) for the rest of my life...I am a tad more realistic than that. I met (him) at 17. *I am sorry I am so fucking hard to deal with. THis is why it amazes me that you want to stick around and prove yourself. What I don't understand is why you would want to do that for me. And I would really like an answer to this. Why me? And dont think this goes unnoticed. I am grateful everyday to have you next to me. I know you care...I do to and I would do the same thing if the situation was reversed. But you see...I have my own reasons for that...and our reasons my be similar but not exactly the same. You are so amazing. And I wish there where enough words...but I could write forever and ever and none of it would be enough to say how you make me feel. I...I am at a loss for words. You amaze me.
Ok...today was full of exciting surprises starting with one that I am not sure I am allowed to talk about. Oh but funny it was...and we both got a good laugh. Well...I know I did. He may not have seeing as though...well...he knows. Then while at his house watching a movie and getting ready to eat...his mother walked into his closet and picked up a towel that was on the floor. That was when she asked, "Is this towel clean?" Well...it wasn't. And we both had a bigger laugh about that. Whether or not she found out if the towel was clean or...otherwise...I don't know. But I feel bad for finding it so amusing. So all in all I have come to the conclusion that I have the greatest guy in the world and I couldn't ask for more. Funny thing is...I am having trouble accepting that it is what it is...amazing. After (him) I didn't know what to expect... He had led me to believe that everything was happening because of things that I had done wrong. And though I knew that wasn't true...I still blamed myself for the majority of it. So naturally when something this huge came to me...I don't know what I am supposed to do with it. Do I truly deserve him? After being a certain way for so long...so negative, bitchy, mean, spiteful, hurtful...do I really deserve it? Jacob is amazing and means more to me than I could ever tell him. When I look at him...which is often...I can't help but think of how lucky I am that I have him. *You caught me staring today dear...and I told you I would tell you why one day. I had a picture in my head of what I was hoping for. You are way beyond anything that I could ever ask or hope for. There are not enough words to truly say what I am feeling but you must have some clue. I get lost looking at you and when I do...I can't stop. I know this may be hard for certain people to believe...but Jacob makes me happy. Happier than I have been in a long long long time. And there is nothing that I could ever do that could repay him for that. (He) was full of doubts. I doubted everything and though something was telling me to get away...I tried to save him by trying to change him but he ended up changing me. I became someone that I never wanted to be. I was negative all the time. This time, I don't have a single doubt and all I feel is him. I feel good.
Thu, Oct. 14th, 2004, 12:24 pm
no matter what words i say
she just thinks it's my best line
she'll look at me that way and say
yeah she'll say
you've really done it for me this time
now i'm watching her walk away
i'm not like all the others
i get lost inside your eyes
and it comes as no surprise
that still she won't believe me
she's heard it a hundred times
she'll just look at me and say
you've really done it for me this time
now i'm watching her walk away
i'm paying for her past because the last guy didn't last
i'm stuck in the middle
of this riddle so cruel
there's no point to argue
'cause you know as well as i do that it's true
will never be happy
so much time invested
you and me and
all this wishful thinking
so much time you wasted
i get lost in your eyes
while you just look for the lies
...How do I deal??
So tell me why you chose to lie/ The truth wasn't good enough to hold on to. I've written *this* many but you never saw them all. Hearing me push you further away in your mind but really I begged you to stay. This was all I knew...*that* feeling. Cutting into me while I watch me bleed all over your letters...apologies...regrets. And everyone around me could sense it. I would have paid to forget you. And so it has already begun. I am standing alone on a cliff with my thoughts and he is at the bottom to break my fall. Knowing that I have forgotten you completely but never the lies. And so slowly I begin to jump not knowing if he'll catch me. I'd pay to never feel that again. Does he hear me...*this*.. Does he *truly* understand? I can't be lied to anymore. Will he be there to catch me when I let go and fall to *your* death?
That came from something I was thinking about I'd say two weeks ago. It was in my pocket and as I was taking everything out I thought I'd post it. Don't read too much into it...its just scattered thought. So today was the Silverstein show and it was awesome. I got a new shirt...button and stickers. I wanted my hoodie but alas...I am poor again. :-( Meh...at least Daniel and Bea and Jacob had fun. That meant more to me. Hmmm...I think I am in big trouble but I am not sure. I have a feeling my stepdad is going to bitch at me tomorrow morning but I could really care less. I was at Bea's earlier and as I was laying there with Jacob I realized that it would be so much better for me to be there then here. And yes I had been thinking that for some time but it just really hit me today. Having Jacob there and just spending time with him and not having to worry about time or curfews or getting yelled at. Jacob had fun and I was really excited about that. I gave him one of my Alk3 buttons...something special to me...because he is...and I am a dope. *You know how I feel about you dear...we have talked about it. Now I am afraid that you may think it is too much too soon. And maybe it is. I am not one to really hold anything back. I am afraid that you think you have to be there.*
I haven't talked to (him) in a while and I am glad. Everything is great...and I want it to stay that way. I know I have been in a funk for a couple of months now...anyone with eyes and the ability to hear knows that. For one reason or another...I wasn't *truly* happy. And then in walks this great awesome super amazing person who totally takes me by surprise. *I don't want you to feel that because you make me happy...you can't leave. I hope you understand what I mean. I think we better talk about this.*
Time for bed...I have to wake you up tomorrow so you can go to work. Goodnight *muah*
"Superstitions In Travel"
we're keeping up the fiction and breaking all the mirrors. we're bringing our own troubles by neglecting the cracks we walk on. the daystar is burning in this black cofin we move in. we tried to make it work out hundreds of miles apart. you are the luckiest symbol i've ever found and i'm a world away. we are the final students in the dying art of lost astrology. you are the brightest single shining star i saw from miles away. it's superstitious but i keep on wishing on all the falling stars on hold for me. you keep on pulling and causing tension but you're the magnet. if we never find the way home i'd be more than lost without you and to all the skeptic onlookers we should have never made it this far.
Right here* Hmmm....Today was a good day. Ok...a great day but then again...every day is a great day now. heehee Jacob, Bea, Daniel and I went to Galaxy to drink coffee by the gallon and play Go Fish which I continue to insist is called Gold Fish but what can you do?? I am excited about Silverstein on Tuesday and Jacob is coming with me so that makes it even better. Taking my car to Austin for the first time so hopefully everything will be ok. My brother is crying because he had to hang up with that stupid girl for 5 minutes so I could call Jacob. He is such a girl...worse than Tim, Erik and Chris put together. What a nerd. Ok Ok...I am going to bed. MUAH!
Hmmmm.....I just spent two whole hours in your arms...kissing you and am thankful for every single moment. Heh. The past couple of months have been nothing short of hell. For months I felt so trapped. Trapped in whatever it was I still felt for Jimmy. Trapped because even though Jimmy had her, he would come back hoping to find some answer to a question niether of us knew. I wanted so much to get away and I tried but each attempt...and there where two real ones...didn't feel right at all. Something was wrong...I could bring myself to feel anything. And the more I tried to feel something....the more I didn't and wanted so much to get away. I hurt two people because all I could feel was this horrible bitter feeling...maybe I hurt them on purpose. Not intentionally ofcourse. But just because that was all I felt... Regardless....each attempt I knew wasn't what was supposed to happen...it wasn't where I was supposed to be and I knew it. But when I am with you...I can't remember feeling this way two and a half years ago. Not this good anyway. So sure about everything even with things being so new. So comfortable and so incredible. Wanting to say so much but am left speechless because there are no words. I am crazy about you and this excites me but scares me at the same time. I really need to start writing again. Well...I am sleepy and I need to wake up early. I couldn't thank you enough for finding me. And as corny as that sounds...I mean it with all my heart. You change so much for me...more than you could ever know...almost over night. And nothing that I could ever do could ever repay that.
SO here are my thoughts for this morning (afternoon). The other night I was at Jacob's house. It was his father's birthday and he was going to have family over. So I got to meet some of his brothers and the rest. His brother pointed out one of my tattoos and I was afraid his mother would think bad of me. What goes through your mind when your son brings home a new girl? And then a new girl who has tattoos. Its just that I find myself at the same place I was at two and a half years ago. Meeting a new family...getting used to someone's habits...just getting used to him all together. Its weird. And how fast things are moving....its funny. Not that its a bad thing...I feel so comfortable with him. I don't know. I am watching a movie and its distracting me.
Tim once told me that I was funny because I write to people here. Its my way of saving things that I want them to know yet am unable to tell them. Not yet anyway. I don't know if I will ever show this to you. Perhaps one day. What words could I ever use that would be enough to describe how incredible things have been. And yes you did piss me off last night, but you really made up for it tonight. I understand now so I can't ever be mad at you for that. Talking to you about it was something that I am fairly new to. I would rather run and avoid conflict until I want to throw things. Your way is much better it seems. You asked me what I was thinking. How could I tell you exactly? I prayed and prayed so hard for something and got everything. There are no words to describe how wonderful you are...and how lucky I am that you found me. I hope I see you again tomorrow.
I am going into this blindfolded. And as it seems, so far every decision that I have made has been the right one. I am waiting for the hammer to fall and crush me to death. I prayed for something...anything. I prayed for some kind of change. Now this...its like praying for 5 bucks and getting a million.
So...I have no words. He just left. We watched Fight Club and Donnie Darko. We talk..about everything. And laugh...he makes me laugh. He poked me in the forehead as he made a joke and for some reason this has been tattooed in my brain. Timing is everything... Goodnight...and hope to see him again tomorrow.